Mesa, AZ – After years of playing many different fighting games, it seems that local man Toby Barnes has the uncanny ability to inadvertently main one of the weakest characters in every game.
“It all started with Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3,” explained Barnes. “I was a huge Ace Attorney fan and bought Marvel 3 because Phoenix Wright was playable. I knew he had to be my main, but it wasn’t long before everyone realized he was complete dog shit. Even backing him up with Ghost Rider’s Hellfire assist didn’t seem to help him.”
“Listen, I’m not trying to win EVO or anything,” added Barnes, who many describe to be a low tier hero. “I just want to have a good time playing the characters that I like the most. It’s just a little hard to do that when you need to look for random evidence for the chance to become an actual character.”
“I don’t know how he does it,” said close friend Anna Weaver. “We played Smash and he only wanted to play Little Mac. We tried Dragon Ball FighterZ and he always picked Frieza. I used to think he was doing this on purpose but now it seems like he truly does pick his favorites and they always suck. It’s actually kind of impressive.”
Despite this phenomenon, Barnes is not at all deterred and continues to try new fighting games.
“Next I’ll be giving Tekken 7 a try to hopefully break this cycle of always ending up with the weakest characters,” said Barnes, who is tired of struggling with dysfunctional movesets. “So this time I’m going to pick my character according to who looks the strongest and to me that’s obviously Kuma. After all, who could possibly be stronger than a bear?”
At press time Barnes was already starting to realize the answer to his question is, “Everyone.”
