Walmart Removes Soul Calibur Displays But Continues to Sell Historical Fantasy Weapons of Unfathomable Power

Bentonville, AR – Following a series of deadly incidents at various Walmart locations, the supermarket chain has prompted all locations to take down any displays, ads, and demos for weapon based fighting games such as Soul Calibur. Despite this, the retailer will continue to sell vaguely historical weapons including axes, katars, and demonic swords of unfathomable power.

Just last year, over 10,000 Americans suffered deadly injuries from pseudo-historical fantasy weapons, such as ancient spears, magical tonfa blades, and 6-foot long broadswords, which are commonly sold at Walmart stores across the nation. Alarming statistics show that compared to other developed countries, Americans are over 200 times more likely to die in a best of 5 close range weapon fight, and over 250 times more likely to be on the receiving end of a deadly ring-out combo.

Many officials blame these discrepancies on video games and similar media, such as one shopper we interviewed at a local Walmart.

“It’s clearly these damn video games causing all this violence,” said an elderly shopper simply known as “Edge Master”, as he pushed around a cart entirely filled with short swords, giant battle axes, some sharp circular disc thing, and other historical or seemingly made-up weapons of unspeakable destructive force. “It would be a shame if they stopped carrying these weapons just because a few hundred thousand people used them irresponsibly – especially since the selection here is so great. I just wish they still sold Chinese long swords.”

Despite the blame, countless studies have shown that video games have little to no effect on real world violence involving historical fantasy weapons. In fact, fighting games like Soul Calibur are played all over the world without being accompanied by the level of violence seen here. Many countries like France sell more copies of Soul Calibur per capita, but have had 0 deaths from scythes, nunchucks, light sabers, magical swords that turn into a whip, or other similar weapons in the past year.

This is why some have taken an opposing stance to Walmart’s latest actions.

“It’s clear that easy access to fantastical weapons is the cause of real world violence with such weapons,” said local activist Tony Bartlett. “The ordinary person is just not suited to wield Soul Edge, an evil and wicked blade with a mind of its own – hellbent on devouring souls and bringing about chaos and destruction. Unless we destroy these sinister weapons, then I’m afraid these stories of deadly incidents will be eternally retold.”